gone

undecided

Things are different. All I know is, no matter what happens, all I ever want is to stay home and do completely nothing. I never meet up with people anymore simply because I feel weird around people. I don't know how to start conversations. I worry if things might get awkward and if there might be nothing to talk about. 

I'm not doing this on purpose, I just suddenly decided that this is who I am now, this is what I want to do. Is it weird how someone who never used to be like that suddenly changed? I didn't notice it all up till now. When I spend days alone at home, not speaking to people, not wanting to go anywhere, not even wanting to wake up. What has happened? Does this happen to everyone? Do people somehow just realise that they want to be a different person? Or is this whole thing just bullshit. 

I know this is who I am now and what I have became. But is this who I want to be? Is this a part of me that I like?

Maybe this is what giving up looks like. 

direction-less

it's been a few days since the second semester ended. i don't particularly know how i feel about this because i haven't been doing much at home. have been wanting to bake some macarons since the start of my holidays and i haven't been feeling in the mood to want to bake anything at all.

so my surgery is on monday. and i don't know how to feel about it. the only two feelings that have been surfacing are probably excitement and anxiousness? the nurse has been calling to ask for confirmation about the op and i feel like i'm not up for it anymore but then again, if it makes me look and feel better, why not?

i've been feeling quite meh-ish (i know it's not a proper emotion but i can't express it, i'm sure you get what i mean) for quite some time now and i honestly don't know why? it's not something i can explain or something that can be easily be put into words. it's days like these where all i want to do is to be by myself, at home, or some place quiet without having to interact with people. getting a cup of coffee and some truffle fries in a small cafe in the middle of nowhere without any company. it's not anything, but i just don't feel like i need the company of anyone in particular. being able to have a meal on your own, being able to spend time on your own getting to know what you really want, what your goals are and to learn to love who you are.

i guess everyone is pretty annoyed by how i'm being all "oh i like being alone and so should you" and all that kind of drama, but that's honestly how i am now, i guess, since i don't really feel like there's anything else in particular that i feel. i like being on my own, being independent.

single

I don't understand how this matters to people but I really am quite sick and tired of explaining to people the reason why I'm still single. 

I honestly haven't been single for a rather long time (not bragging or whatever) and it really is quite pleasant to be alone and spend time to get to know me. I feel like this alone time is something I really need to help me grow, become a better person and be ready for whatever relationships that come my way in the near future. 

I am in no way unhappy and I really don't feel like I need another person to make me feel better about myself or to love me. The people I care about love me and I love them back. Isn't that all that matters? I don't need another person in my life to complicate things; distract me from school, distance me from my friends and family, etc. I really don't need the presence of another human being in my life. I don't care if he makes me a better person or if he makes me feel better about myself. I need to learn to stand up on my own, for myself, before I am able to love another human being. I need to learn to love myself, inperfections and all.

I don't believe there is a better reason for this, and I really do like this part of my life better than the other parts where I'd be dating someone bad for me. This is the part of my life where I want to prepare myself for what the future may bring, to strengthen my soul for all the hurdles I may face. 

I don't need people to tell me how everyone is happily in love and I should have that as well. Yes, I understand that as my friends you want the best for me. This is me telling you - this IS the best for me. This is what I need, right now. I really am happy for you if you find what you've been looking for in your relationship. I am open to hearing the ups and the downs of your relationship, if you ever need a listening ear. 

All I'm saying is: I'm happy alone. I don't need boys to bring joy to my life, I don't need love. Well, at least not right now. If it happens, it happens. I'm not in the stage where I MUST have a boyfriend. To put it bluntly, I'm not desperate. What I would really like to do now is to focus on my studies, as cliche as it sounds. My parents are not paying a small amount of money for my education, and I think the best way to repay them is to study hard. I have never been an above average student and I'm really trying to change that fact to please my parents and to show them that this is my passion, this is my choice. I would really appreciate if you'd support me, as my friend. I don't need any recommendations, I don't need you to introduce me to your guy friends (but if they're really hot, why not? -THIS IS A JOKE). All I need from you, my friend, is your acknowledgement. That you know I'm trying to better myself and I'm not ready for a relationship right now. 

Because what is the point of playing around, and not taking relationships seriously at this age? I know I'm not considered very young, or very old to be thinking about settling down but I just want to have serious relationships. I have had so many relationships and I think I've only been serious about one guy. This is not who I want to be anymore. I don't want to just play around. I want to prepare myself to be in the relationship that may last forever. If it doesn't, I will know that the both of us tried our best and we're just incompatible. I don't want to go into relationships that will not last. I don't want puppy love, I want an actual relationship. 

So, if you are my friend, you will support my decision and realise that what I'm doing is really the best for me. You will be happy for me. You will be proud, because I don't need someone in my life to be this happy. 

This was written because I feel like I've been getting a lot of questions about why I'm still single and honestly I don't see the harm in being single. I just feel like people don't understand where I'm coming from and I have to reassure my friends that I am okay and there is nothing wrong with me. You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine. I'm not lesbian, still into guys the last time I checked (I have had people asking if I'm lesbian...). This is for the curious people, the people who don't understand. I'm not saying anyone is ignorant. I'm just letting you all in on something I feel that is important to me. (And also I've been asked this so much it's getting kind of annoying.)

Qué será, será

Love, 

Jo X

march

Time is really flying by! It seems like it was just yesterday that school has started. Now, we're already at the halfway mark of the semester. This means our 217 and 225 professors are leaving and we're getting new professors for the second half of the semester. :( This also means midterms are coming/over. 294 is the worst because I never ever listen in class and it's all about the same stats thing that we learnt in poly, FOUR times. Yeah I learnt stats four times. And I'm still struggling to remember things that I've learnt.

School has been too much for my little brain to handle. I'm assuming there is something wrong with me because I am forever tired. No matter how much sleep I get, I am forever sleepy and nothing is ever enough. No amount of sleep can satisfy me. I go to school tired all the time. I'm sleeping on buses, sleeping once I get home, sleeping at night. How can one not be satisfied with the amount of sleep they get?

This week, I learnt that 407 was really important and instead of wasting time like we did in class last semester, we should have spent that time learning about things that will be important in my 408 lessons. Because of our 407 class and the person running the class, all of us went into 408 unprepared and whilst some of us are able to make it, others are left barely holding on to that cliff. Sure it was fun whilst we were watching movies in class and having parties and doing nothing at all when it was happening. I would definitely rather spend that time learning about things that will help my life, like grammar or other aspects of language that will be important. It does suck going into 408 with nothing learnt from 407 and struggling to stay afloat. For the first time in my life, I'm finding it really tough to make it in an English class. I'm definitely struggling and I hate this position I'm in. There are ways to get out of this and obviously I'm going to try or die trying. Sigh.

There's too much to say, and bitching about people is something I'm learning to control and stop. However, I've learnt to stop giving people chances because some people just don't deserve the kindness you provide. Learn to let go of friendships that are just not worth the trouble that it brings you. You learn to discover that some things are just not worth it and you'll be so much better without it.




You only run from someone when you're guilty.

given + up

I'm not going to lie to you, the past week was horrid. Last week saw me sleeping all day and forgoing my studies just because of a little bug. A little flu bug to be exact. It was the worst I've felt in a long time and I'd kill to not be in that position forever. It also showed me that moms give the best advice. They know EVERYTHING. Whilst I was down with the worse flu bug, I was constantly hearing mom talk about eno and how I have to drink it to feel better. Honestly I ignored it as per usual. Why would I want to drink something that didn't taste very good when there's a high chance I'll probably feel the same way after? I was so wrong. After half an hour I instantly felt better. It was like some kind of magic potion that nursed me back to health. Now remind me why I don't listen to mom enough. 

Today hasn't been a very good day for me. Won't go into details now but here's to a lesson learnt. 

Feeling really light headed, bloated, nauseous and a lot of discomfort now and I do hope they'd all go away after a long sleep. 

Do you remember this line people say all the time? About how you should always let things you love go and if you're meant to be with that thing/person you love, it'll come back to you? Today, it has dawned on me that something I wasn't ready to let go of was already long gone. Yes, it was once mine, but I've screwed up enough and I definitely don't deserve a second chance just because I will mess things up again. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say here is simply - why hold on to something so tightly when it's not there? 

I really do need to learn to control my temper and not flare up so easily. Anger management is definitely the solution to all problems. 

X

bug

Caught the flu bug over the weekends and wasted them sleeping instead of studying for quiz week next week. Every time I start to try and study I get distracted by tetris and also other irrelevant things. I swear my attention span is worse than a goldfish's. I just need to do well for 217 and statistics. These are the two killer mods (not really stats because it's a little similar to poly stats, don't know why i still have to take it then). 

Chinese new year is officially over, which means it's diet time! Time to lose all the chinese new year goodies of ma belllllyyyy. Need to start working out more but I keep procrastinating. Planning for study sessions should be carried out as well. Why am I so lazy?

I don't know how to feel when I see you. I don't want to hate you; I have no reason to. But what I feel and what I want to feel is two separate things all together. It's been so long, they should have all disappeared. 

X

Not normally shy but I still don't dare to add you or talk to you more in person...