absence

honestly, i really thought after all this while, things will blow past and everything will go back to normal. or at least how it used to be. i really never thought we would end up like this. i never thought this would happen. i have to admit i really was a horrible person and i am truly apologetic for what i have done. i know it's too late for that and i also know you've forgiven, or at least you say you already have. but i think we both know forgiving is one thing but forgetting is another. forgiving might be easy, but forgetting is never easy. especially when all i have done is to screw things up again and again and again. 

i don't know why but it really is killing me inside. i am such an idiot. they say you never learn to treasure what you have until you lose it. well i hate how the universe decided to bring us together only to have us drift apart and end up like this. i have thoughts, so much thoughts, of what you might be thinking, and how much i want you to be thinking those thoughts. but it kills me to realise those thoughts are the thoughts furthest from your mind. it kills to constantly have the urge to want to ask you if you're doing fine, what's new going on in your life, talk about the old things we used to laugh about like crazy, talk about us. sucks to constantly feel like this when i know obviously this is the last thing on your mind. i must have been an idiot to do what i did that day, and it's really stupid and i'm sorry. but i guess even that's not enough. because nothing will ever be enough after that. 

hate feeling like this. all these is just another pathetic attempt to tell you i miss you. yh, because now i am that kind of person. which i absolutely hate. 

xx

catch

Honestly don't feel like talking about school anymore but I shall just do a littllllleeeee update?

Went to hatched w K last thursday and it was so awesome I cannot even. I loved the salmon eggs ben, cannot remember what that was I think it was called Smoked Royale or something. It was awesomeballs and like I really loved their mash with some like minced mushroom???? I honestly have no idea what mushroom sauce it was, but it was rly rly awesome. K had the smoked salmon w some omelette and toast or something. Didn't really like the rocket salad w balsamic vinegar though. But we had a good time at hatched and we spent hours sitting there, sipping tea and waiting for the rain to stop. Warm beverage + good company + rainy weather was really chill and like awesome to hang out at.

I feel like there is always a constant need to be on the hunt for good food like salmon eggs ben mmmmhmmm. I NEED TO GO HUNT FOR MORE GOOD FOOOOOODDDDDD.

I've been really busy recently and I feel like I need to start catching up with more people. Sorry for not being there recently and it's really very overwhelming but I will really start trying to be more free? 

(ps please tell me to arrange a meet up with you)

ugh i am losing the writing shit.

xx

relief

Hellllooooooooooo. (In the marky butt butt voice ;))

So last week was pretty crazy, had midterms + it was my birthday week (omg thanks you shouldn't have). Okay, I kid. I've never really been that "unlucky" to have had exams on your birthday week (and also on your birthday itself) but I guess there's always a first for everything.

Filming took up a lot of time as well, had to film on the birthday itself but it'll definitely be worth it when the results come out and we would have done a good job. I'm getting quite pissed typing this because I keep getting typos, I don't know why, honestly (and no, it is not because I am hungover from yesterday... or maybe).

Uni has been really quite stressful, for those who ask if it's the same as poly. It is far from similar. I don't really understand why it feels so different, yet so similar? Really thankful to have a group of really awesome friends around me most/all the time.

Last week / the week before was definitely when I was at my lowest? When I felt that everything was falling apart, and I had to cram for midterms. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I don't know how to feel about it because I know there is something I can do to change it, and also I was so stressed out that I don't know how to deal with it? I don't know if it makes sense. Now that I'm less busy and less caught up with things, I feel like I should do something but at the same time, I feel like whatever was done really hurt my feelings a lot and I don't know how to deal with it calmly?

Heard this from someone in the past week - "friends are seasonal, they come and go." As much as I hate to believe this, it is actually true. The person that I thought would stick by me the most didn't, and the one I really thought knew me the most, knew how I would feel the most, turned out the opposite way as well. I was really hurt by the things that were said, and I know what is said cannot be taken back, as much as they want to. I contemplated about going in detail but I will spare you with having to read that.

Thank you to the best friend for the long, heart warming text on my birthday (even though I did make him type a long text) but it is the thought that went through your head while drafting that text is what makes it special. Thank you for always being there for me, even when everything fell apart.

On a completely separate topic.

I'm really sorry for drunk texting/dialling you.

you + tube

so as you can see from the above embedded video, I STARRED IN MY FIRST YOUTUBE VIDEO!!!!!!!

Okay, my "hiiiii" at the start of the video is HIGLY annoying, I am aware, but I didn't know it was this loud...... So this is the new thing we're trying out, "The Ying Yang Show". Hopefully there's more to come?

xx

ps: will be back with an update soonish??? xx

uni

So the first week of uni is already over, and I think I'm considered a uni student now? Not used to the whole waking up at 0530 and getting ready for a 0830 class. To think that I actually thought the end of poly meant the end of classes starting at 0800. School's really quite far for me though, and I really hope I will never oversleep for my classes. (let's see how long this will last)

Before uni started, I was a wreck. Like I thought I was an American living in Singapore because my body clock was THAT screwed up. I would literally sleep when people wake up to go to work and wake up when it's dinner time. Since uni started, I am sleeping at 2100/2200 or even the latest, 0000. I kind of feel like a primary school kid who has a bedtime. But this is necessary because anyone who knows me knows that if I don't get my beauty sleep I will really be no different from a monster the next day. I'm thankful that my friends actually stick by me even when I'm at my worse (I know this sounds a little like an AA meeting, haha).

The friends I've made are really becoming strong pillars in my life, it's too early to say, I know, but I'm thankful that I know regardless of whatever that may lie ahead in our future, I'll always have them to count on. That's definitely something important and essential in any student's life. (So if you're a student and you have no friends, go get some) You know who you guys are xx.

Speaking about friends, I am truly upset and sorry for missing the jalan raya session with the poly girls. I had to catch up and study for exams (BOOOOOO) that will be coming up in a few weeks. I miss them so much because we're all working/schooling (even though I'm the only student lol) and we barely have time to meet up. I miss the "Simpang dinners" and how we would talk about anything and everything under the sun. Yes, we'll definitely meet up soon ;)


So it's about 2146 now and I can barely keep my eyes open. What. A. Loser.

Goodnight xx

time

Hiiiiii guys. I'm posting this via my phone because my wifi can't work and as much as I'd really love to blog, I can't and I'm quite pissed because the wifi thing just doesn't work!!!! And also I'm stuck listening to 987 because it's Friday night and 913 always plays weird genres of music that I don't like. Can't listen to my youtube as well because the stupid phone app can't multitask (let the vid play in the back ground).

Okay so I just came back from camp not that long ago and I remembered how much I didn't want to go because I was afraid I won't make friends and I just didn't want to go. But I'm glad I went and made friends that will be so important to me in the next three years.

So uni officially starts on Monday and I don't know how to feel about that. The pressure is definitely on and there's just so much to be done. That just leaves me so little time to have fun and do the things I love doing. It's always that "back to school" feeling after so long that makes you feel like going back is the worst thing ever. Actually the 5/6 month holiday wasn't that exciting since I was mostly working at that hell hole. But it was still time spent with those people at work. Sigh sometimes I talk so much shit that even I get lost halfway.

Glad that I'm moving on without you because that is definitely the best thing to you. What did I ever do to deserve having someone like you as a part of my life for those few months. Definitely thankful that I grew to be more observant of you and I knew when to withdraw the trust I had for you before everything happened. This also proves again that moms are always right and we should all listen to them. This would definitely be the worst decision I made in my entire life and when I look back, I get so mad because I really want to give myself all the slaps that could have possibly helped to open my eyes to see what a person you really are. Moving on did hurt a little but it was also because I was stupid enough to believe all the rubbish that sprouted from that mouth of yours. The only thing I would change? Is for me to realise this sooner. Nevertheless, I'm still extremely proud of myself for getting rid of a huge jerk like you. You don't deserve to be in my life and you have no right to be.

rant + update

Okay I just kind of want to know, like even fyi or something, like how quickly do you move on after a break up? Does it depend on the sexuality of the person? Like for example, guys move on quicker as compared to girls? Or does it depend on who initiated the break up? 

Well, I always thought it's doesn't make any sense at all when someone (regardless of sexuality), moves on like in one or less than one week. If you were together for like months, and you claimed to have really "loved" that person, how is it that when you guys ended things, you're so ready to find and get into another relationship? I just don't believe in that. It just means that the guy either didn't have any said feelings for you before or that girl's just the rebound girl. Right? 

And how would the other person feel after knowing the other party has moved on? Am I right to say that even if you were the person to initiate the break up and the other party moved on seemingly quick, that you'd feel said party either didn't reciprocate the feelings in the relationship or said party wanted to move on quicker because you weren't worth it and found a rebound. Regardless, won't you feel hurt? Would you be able to wish the person happiness if he/she got over you in one or less than one week, or would you be affected by the situation?

I guess I'm just full of different questions and I just don't understand the point of view from the person who moved on in that short span of time. I understand that there might not be any answers or people to get answers from, which is why I just wanted to put this out and kind of rant a little. 

Just so many questions...

In the other part of my brain that's not busy wondering/thinking about all the content above, is the part so reluctant to head to camp. I really don't know why I'm so hesitant this time, even though I usually liked camps after they're over. I think maybe I just don't want to grow up, and this just feels like it's all happening too quickly. How can I already be in uni? The other reason why I kind of not want to go might be because I really don't think I can make friends. I don't know why I feel that way and I kind of have never felt that way before I go to camps. Maybe it's because I'm at that age where paranoia sets in and I start thinking before doing things, which is another sign that I'm growing up way too quickly. 

I'm just not ready to trade my freedom for a degree. And I might never be...