finals

Finals are like literally just around the corner. Promise I'll be back after finals to do a post about uni k?


meanwhile, study hard, if you have finals too. if not, play hard, I'll see you after the 12. ;)


xx
j

incompetent

I honestly don't know why but I really think my brain is not wired for studying and remembering things? I can never remember things and no matter how early I start studying for something, I never do well. Sure, I may pass, but it's never what I expected. If I already studied so hard for so long, obviously the information would be in my brain, and I just have to apply it to the questions, right? Why can't I do that?? Even if I come out of the exam hall feeling like I knew how to do majority of the questions and would definitely ace that shit, I never actually ace anything. It seems like no matter how much effort I put in, nothing seems to work. And it kills me to see other people not studying for anything and they do SO much better than me in everything. Honestly, I feel like I have done nothing but try and try and try to do work, to study, but my grades are never pleasing me. I can do really well for a module and can be really happy but when it comes to another module it just kills to see my grades slipping even though I put in more effort then the previous test.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Maybe I'm just that stupid loser who never accomplishes anything. Maybe I was meant to fail. Maybe I'm just that incompetent.

break

So submission week is finally over, and it's really as if my soul has been sucked out from me. I do hope all the late nights are worth it (it's like you know, but you can't be sure enough). Coms finals are in like 4 and 9 days. Yes we have two finals, but they're not exactly finals because it's not finals week yet? And finals week is about 2 weeks from now? Hello to last minute over-cramming and late late late nights.

I have this bad habit. This bad habit that I really cannot control. I think it's in my nature to run away from problems when I feel like they're getting too much for me? This is like therapy - talking about it helps... I hope. Honestly, I cannot understand why I keep running away from problems instead of making it all go away? My own take is that - people say things to hurt me, and I don't like it, because they mean the world to me, and hearing them say those things really seems to be too much for me to handle. It does suck because I do wish those things never happen, that we didn't really drift apart and we're still friends. I guess people do say things that are true, but the truth hurts, and not everyone can take it? I was just in a really dark place and I honestly didn't know what to do. Letting my feelings out by the "confrontation" method definitely wasn't a good choice but we all know all I do is to make mistakes. After hearing the truth - about how you felt etc., I just feel like if I was that much of problem to you then maybe it would be better if we weren't friends. The conversations run free in my head and they seem to replay themselves on nights like these.

Nights where I cross my fingers and wish that it never happened and that I could take them all back. It was about people not putting in effort, about hurt feelings and everything else. Words that were said cannot be taken back, and I don't know if I ever do regret saying what I said. I regret what happened, but the words were subconsciously typed, and subconscious thoughts are really what you feel - genuine. So I know I wasn't making things up, and I guess it was about wrong things happening at the wrong time? Being too preoccupied with too many things make you go crazy, makes you think about things from different perspectives, makes you over-think. Things wouldn't be the same and there is no potion to heal the hurt that was caused.

When I choose to say nothing, and walk away, it's because I feel if I said something, it would definitely make things worse. We all know how I am with the things I say, and I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean. I guess maybe, it was a time for change. Positive or not, it happened and there is no time machine for anything.

Moving on to other things, I feel like I need to write this down because I want to remind myself to stick to my priorities and nothing else. The most important thing in my life now are my studies and I won't involve myself in anything that would distract me from what would essentially be the stepping stone to my future. I've screwed up enough times, and this is where I draw the line. This is where I stop. This is where the journeys end and where I stop to see what I should have been looking at.

superman

never would have thought someone would mean so much to me, never would have thought i would lose someone who meant that much to me, never would have thought you would be that person, never thought of a billion things until you happened. i feel like i have so many things to tell you, but either i don't dare to, or i know you won't listen. a million things are happening to me, all at once, and all i want is to talk to you, tell you how my day went, tell you what's going on in my life. wait for you to tell me what you think, wait for you to tell me jokes to make me happy, wait for you to tell me i really need to study harder, wait for you to tell me i'm where i've always wanted to be and i should be working towards that, not against it. i can wait, but even if i did, you wouldn't be there. but you're all i want, you're all i need, everything to go through this. people take advantage of every single chance/opportunity they have because they don't want to regret anything. i can't be like that because i care too much about what you think. 

i miss you

absence

honestly, i really thought after all this while, things will blow past and everything will go back to normal. or at least how it used to be. i really never thought we would end up like this. i never thought this would happen. i have to admit i really was a horrible person and i am truly apologetic for what i have done. i know it's too late for that and i also know you've forgiven, or at least you say you already have. but i think we both know forgiving is one thing but forgetting is another. forgiving might be easy, but forgetting is never easy. especially when all i have done is to screw things up again and again and again. 

i don't know why but it really is killing me inside. i am such an idiot. they say you never learn to treasure what you have until you lose it. well i hate how the universe decided to bring us together only to have us drift apart and end up like this. i have thoughts, so much thoughts, of what you might be thinking, and how much i want you to be thinking those thoughts. but it kills me to realise those thoughts are the thoughts furthest from your mind. it kills to constantly have the urge to want to ask you if you're doing fine, what's new going on in your life, talk about the old things we used to laugh about like crazy, talk about us. sucks to constantly feel like this when i know obviously this is the last thing on your mind. i must have been an idiot to do what i did that day, and it's really stupid and i'm sorry. but i guess even that's not enough. because nothing will ever be enough after that. 

hate feeling like this. all these is just another pathetic attempt to tell you i miss you. yh, because now i am that kind of person. which i absolutely hate. 

xx

catch

Honestly don't feel like talking about school anymore but I shall just do a littllllleeeee update?

Went to hatched w K last thursday and it was so awesome I cannot even. I loved the salmon eggs ben, cannot remember what that was I think it was called Smoked Royale or something. It was awesomeballs and like I really loved their mash with some like minced mushroom???? I honestly have no idea what mushroom sauce it was, but it was rly rly awesome. K had the smoked salmon w some omelette and toast or something. Didn't really like the rocket salad w balsamic vinegar though. But we had a good time at hatched and we spent hours sitting there, sipping tea and waiting for the rain to stop. Warm beverage + good company + rainy weather was really chill and like awesome to hang out at.

I feel like there is always a constant need to be on the hunt for good food like salmon eggs ben mmmmhmmm. I NEED TO GO HUNT FOR MORE GOOD FOOOOOODDDDDD.

I've been really busy recently and I feel like I need to start catching up with more people. Sorry for not being there recently and it's really very overwhelming but I will really start trying to be more free? 

(ps please tell me to arrange a meet up with you)

ugh i am losing the writing shit.

xx

relief

Hellllooooooooooo. (In the marky butt butt voice ;))

So last week was pretty crazy, had midterms + it was my birthday week (omg thanks you shouldn't have). Okay, I kid. I've never really been that "unlucky" to have had exams on your birthday week (and also on your birthday itself) but I guess there's always a first for everything.

Filming took up a lot of time as well, had to film on the birthday itself but it'll definitely be worth it when the results come out and we would have done a good job. I'm getting quite pissed typing this because I keep getting typos, I don't know why, honestly (and no, it is not because I am hungover from yesterday... or maybe).

Uni has been really quite stressful, for those who ask if it's the same as poly. It is far from similar. I don't really understand why it feels so different, yet so similar? Really thankful to have a group of really awesome friends around me most/all the time.

Last week / the week before was definitely when I was at my lowest? When I felt that everything was falling apart, and I had to cram for midterms. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. I don't know how to feel about it because I know there is something I can do to change it, and also I was so stressed out that I don't know how to deal with it? I don't know if it makes sense. Now that I'm less busy and less caught up with things, I feel like I should do something but at the same time, I feel like whatever was done really hurt my feelings a lot and I don't know how to deal with it calmly?

Heard this from someone in the past week - "friends are seasonal, they come and go." As much as I hate to believe this, it is actually true. The person that I thought would stick by me the most didn't, and the one I really thought knew me the most, knew how I would feel the most, turned out the opposite way as well. I was really hurt by the things that were said, and I know what is said cannot be taken back, as much as they want to. I contemplated about going in detail but I will spare you with having to read that.

Thank you to the best friend for the long, heart warming text on my birthday (even though I did make him type a long text) but it is the thought that went through your head while drafting that text is what makes it special. Thank you for always being there for me, even when everything fell apart.

On a completely separate topic.

I'm really sorry for drunk texting/dialling you.