kryptonite

So since it's the holidays and school's out, I kind of want to start blogging more. Nothing interesting has been happening in my life recently, like everything's just starting to slow down and enter the "Holiday Phase" as I would call it and it's just basically relaxing, sleeping in, hanging out with friends and that's basically all.

Okay so it's probably too early to start being all emotional and blog about sad posts but this is a topic that has been coming up quite often/recent, and as much as I would love for it to stop, it's kind of expected and well, it's kind of like a conversation starter to some people.

I would say that I'm not a person who can memorise things as well as I would hope, and it kind of has been taking a toll on me recently. I've been realising that I actually have a very short memory and no matter how much I try to memorise my notes or actually try to study them, it's really hard for me and I always know the answers but I can never seem to write it out on paper. Especially for papers that are theory based, pretty much like my nutrition questions, or science questions.

It's actually really depressing and it sucks to have to explain to my mom. Like she would always ask "How did the paper go?" and my answer will always be "I don't know I think I might fail it.". I think it has come to the point where I don't even want to go for an exam. It's not like I don't study, for this paper, I actually studied like a whole week and made notes, tried to memorise it with different methods and all. For once, I actually could remember a good chunk of it and when you ask me about it I could recite how it works and tell you what the thing does. I was rather confident, I'll say about 75% confident that this paper would definitely be the "I'll pass this" type of paper.

But when I attempted the paper, I found that most times, I just stared at the question, knowing that I'm able to answer the question and that I actually know the answers to the questions, but I definitely couldn't write down the proper terms and whatever that was in my mind disappeared before I could get it down on paper. I felt so stressed and it was like I was at a dead end. I didn't know what to do and I tried calming myself down, saying a few prayers here and there, but nothing helped. I sure know that because I left the examination hall feeling "Damn, what happened there." I would say I knew the answers to majority of the questions, but I couldn't write them down. I knew how to do the math part and I knew how to draw the diagrams. But it couldn't come out on paper. I was devastated, disappointed. Alas, there was nothing I could do about it.

I wanted this semester to be the semester that helps to pull up my grade point average. I wanted it to make my mom proud of me, make myself proud of my own work and definitely for it to get me somewhere. Now, I highly doubt those will happen. It's just the kind of time when your friends will definitely try to persuade, encourage you that everything will be okay, but deep down, you know it's not going to be. I mean, it definitely is nice for someone to tell you not to worry and that things will be fine, but then there also is the possibility you might just have screwed things up for yourself once again. I just don't know how to deal with that.

These are definitely not excuses. I don't know how to stress it enough, but it is not an excuse. I know I have studied.

It would be nice if there's a learning disability/disorder I can blame, but well, we all know THAT is an excuse and as much as I would like to blame it on that, I doubt I have a learning disability/disorder. Life just isn't that easy.

I mean, how do you answer the question "Why do you never do well in any of your exams no matter how much you study? It's not enough, you have to start earlier."

It's definitely heartbreaking when your mother asks that, with a worried and disappointed look on her face. It's worse when you don't have a definite answer to that. I wish I could tell you, Mom, I wish I could.