absence

honestly, i really thought after all this while, things will blow past and everything will go back to normal. or at least how it used to be. i really never thought we would end up like this. i never thought this would happen. i have to admit i really was a horrible person and i am truly apologetic for what i have done. i know it's too late for that and i also know you've forgiven, or at least you say you already have. but i think we both know forgiving is one thing but forgetting is another. forgiving might be easy, but forgetting is never easy. especially when all i have done is to screw things up again and again and again. 

i don't know why but it really is killing me inside. i am such an idiot. they say you never learn to treasure what you have until you lose it. well i hate how the universe decided to bring us together only to have us drift apart and end up like this. i have thoughts, so much thoughts, of what you might be thinking, and how much i want you to be thinking those thoughts. but it kills me to realise those thoughts are the thoughts furthest from your mind. it kills to constantly have the urge to want to ask you if you're doing fine, what's new going on in your life, talk about the old things we used to laugh about like crazy, talk about us. sucks to constantly feel like this when i know obviously this is the last thing on your mind. i must have been an idiot to do what i did that day, and it's really stupid and i'm sorry. but i guess even that's not enough. because nothing will ever be enough after that. 

hate feeling like this. all these is just another pathetic attempt to tell you i miss you. yh, because now i am that kind of person. which i absolutely hate. 

xx