finals

Finals are like literally just around the corner. Promise I'll be back after finals to do a post about uni k?


meanwhile, study hard, if you have finals too. if not, play hard, I'll see you after the 12. ;)


xx
j

incompetent

I honestly don't know why but I really think my brain is not wired for studying and remembering things? I can never remember things and no matter how early I start studying for something, I never do well. Sure, I may pass, but it's never what I expected. If I already studied so hard for so long, obviously the information would be in my brain, and I just have to apply it to the questions, right? Why can't I do that?? Even if I come out of the exam hall feeling like I knew how to do majority of the questions and would definitely ace that shit, I never actually ace anything. It seems like no matter how much effort I put in, nothing seems to work. And it kills me to see other people not studying for anything and they do SO much better than me in everything. Honestly, I feel like I have done nothing but try and try and try to do work, to study, but my grades are never pleasing me. I can do really well for a module and can be really happy but when it comes to another module it just kills to see my grades slipping even though I put in more effort then the previous test.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Maybe I'm just that stupid loser who never accomplishes anything. Maybe I was meant to fail. Maybe I'm just that incompetent.

break

So submission week is finally over, and it's really as if my soul has been sucked out from me. I do hope all the late nights are worth it (it's like you know, but you can't be sure enough). Coms finals are in like 4 and 9 days. Yes we have two finals, but they're not exactly finals because it's not finals week yet? And finals week is about 2 weeks from now? Hello to last minute over-cramming and late late late nights.

I have this bad habit. This bad habit that I really cannot control. I think it's in my nature to run away from problems when I feel like they're getting too much for me? This is like therapy - talking about it helps... I hope. Honestly, I cannot understand why I keep running away from problems instead of making it all go away? My own take is that - people say things to hurt me, and I don't like it, because they mean the world to me, and hearing them say those things really seems to be too much for me to handle. It does suck because I do wish those things never happen, that we didn't really drift apart and we're still friends. I guess people do say things that are true, but the truth hurts, and not everyone can take it? I was just in a really dark place and I honestly didn't know what to do. Letting my feelings out by the "confrontation" method definitely wasn't a good choice but we all know all I do is to make mistakes. After hearing the truth - about how you felt etc., I just feel like if I was that much of problem to you then maybe it would be better if we weren't friends. The conversations run free in my head and they seem to replay themselves on nights like these.

Nights where I cross my fingers and wish that it never happened and that I could take them all back. It was about people not putting in effort, about hurt feelings and everything else. Words that were said cannot be taken back, and I don't know if I ever do regret saying what I said. I regret what happened, but the words were subconsciously typed, and subconscious thoughts are really what you feel - genuine. So I know I wasn't making things up, and I guess it was about wrong things happening at the wrong time? Being too preoccupied with too many things make you go crazy, makes you think about things from different perspectives, makes you over-think. Things wouldn't be the same and there is no potion to heal the hurt that was caused.

When I choose to say nothing, and walk away, it's because I feel if I said something, it would definitely make things worse. We all know how I am with the things I say, and I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean. I guess maybe, it was a time for change. Positive or not, it happened and there is no time machine for anything.

Moving on to other things, I feel like I need to write this down because I want to remind myself to stick to my priorities and nothing else. The most important thing in my life now are my studies and I won't involve myself in anything that would distract me from what would essentially be the stepping stone to my future. I've screwed up enough times, and this is where I draw the line. This is where I stop. This is where the journeys end and where I stop to see what I should have been looking at.

superman

never would have thought someone would mean so much to me, never would have thought i would lose someone who meant that much to me, never would have thought you would be that person, never thought of a billion things until you happened. i feel like i have so many things to tell you, but either i don't dare to, or i know you won't listen. a million things are happening to me, all at once, and all i want is to talk to you, tell you how my day went, tell you what's going on in my life. wait for you to tell me what you think, wait for you to tell me jokes to make me happy, wait for you to tell me i really need to study harder, wait for you to tell me i'm where i've always wanted to be and i should be working towards that, not against it. i can wait, but even if i did, you wouldn't be there. but you're all i want, you're all i need, everything to go through this. people take advantage of every single chance/opportunity they have because they don't want to regret anything. i can't be like that because i care too much about what you think. 

i miss you