gone

undecided

Things are different. All I know is, no matter what happens, all I ever want is to stay home and do completely nothing. I never meet up with people anymore simply because I feel weird around people. I don't know how to start conversations. I worry if things might get awkward and if there might be nothing to talk about. 

I'm not doing this on purpose, I just suddenly decided that this is who I am now, this is what I want to do. Is it weird how someone who never used to be like that suddenly changed? I didn't notice it all up till now. When I spend days alone at home, not speaking to people, not wanting to go anywhere, not even wanting to wake up. What has happened? Does this happen to everyone? Do people somehow just realise that they want to be a different person? Or is this whole thing just bullshit. 

I know this is who I am now and what I have became. But is this who I want to be? Is this a part of me that I like?

Maybe this is what giving up looks like. 

direction-less

it's been a few days since the second semester ended. i don't particularly know how i feel about this because i haven't been doing much at home. have been wanting to bake some macarons since the start of my holidays and i haven't been feeling in the mood to want to bake anything at all.

so my surgery is on monday. and i don't know how to feel about it. the only two feelings that have been surfacing are probably excitement and anxiousness? the nurse has been calling to ask for confirmation about the op and i feel like i'm not up for it anymore but then again, if it makes me look and feel better, why not?

i've been feeling quite meh-ish (i know it's not a proper emotion but i can't express it, i'm sure you get what i mean) for quite some time now and i honestly don't know why? it's not something i can explain or something that can be easily be put into words. it's days like these where all i want to do is to be by myself, at home, or some place quiet without having to interact with people. getting a cup of coffee and some truffle fries in a small cafe in the middle of nowhere without any company. it's not anything, but i just don't feel like i need the company of anyone in particular. being able to have a meal on your own, being able to spend time on your own getting to know what you really want, what your goals are and to learn to love who you are.

i guess everyone is pretty annoyed by how i'm being all "oh i like being alone and so should you" and all that kind of drama, but that's honestly how i am now, i guess, since i don't really feel like there's anything else in particular that i feel. i like being on my own, being independent.

single

I don't understand how this matters to people but I really am quite sick and tired of explaining to people the reason why I'm still single. 

I honestly haven't been single for a rather long time (not bragging or whatever) and it really is quite pleasant to be alone and spend time to get to know me. I feel like this alone time is something I really need to help me grow, become a better person and be ready for whatever relationships that come my way in the near future. 

I am in no way unhappy and I really don't feel like I need another person to make me feel better about myself or to love me. The people I care about love me and I love them back. Isn't that all that matters? I don't need another person in my life to complicate things; distract me from school, distance me from my friends and family, etc. I really don't need the presence of another human being in my life. I don't care if he makes me a better person or if he makes me feel better about myself. I need to learn to stand up on my own, for myself, before I am able to love another human being. I need to learn to love myself, inperfections and all.

I don't believe there is a better reason for this, and I really do like this part of my life better than the other parts where I'd be dating someone bad for me. This is the part of my life where I want to prepare myself for what the future may bring, to strengthen my soul for all the hurdles I may face. 

I don't need people to tell me how everyone is happily in love and I should have that as well. Yes, I understand that as my friends you want the best for me. This is me telling you - this IS the best for me. This is what I need, right now. I really am happy for you if you find what you've been looking for in your relationship. I am open to hearing the ups and the downs of your relationship, if you ever need a listening ear. 

All I'm saying is: I'm happy alone. I don't need boys to bring joy to my life, I don't need love. Well, at least not right now. If it happens, it happens. I'm not in the stage where I MUST have a boyfriend. To put it bluntly, I'm not desperate. What I would really like to do now is to focus on my studies, as cliche as it sounds. My parents are not paying a small amount of money for my education, and I think the best way to repay them is to study hard. I have never been an above average student and I'm really trying to change that fact to please my parents and to show them that this is my passion, this is my choice. I would really appreciate if you'd support me, as my friend. I don't need any recommendations, I don't need you to introduce me to your guy friends (but if they're really hot, why not? -THIS IS A JOKE). All I need from you, my friend, is your acknowledgement. That you know I'm trying to better myself and I'm not ready for a relationship right now. 

Because what is the point of playing around, and not taking relationships seriously at this age? I know I'm not considered very young, or very old to be thinking about settling down but I just want to have serious relationships. I have had so many relationships and I think I've only been serious about one guy. This is not who I want to be anymore. I don't want to just play around. I want to prepare myself to be in the relationship that may last forever. If it doesn't, I will know that the both of us tried our best and we're just incompatible. I don't want to go into relationships that will not last. I don't want puppy love, I want an actual relationship. 

So, if you are my friend, you will support my decision and realise that what I'm doing is really the best for me. You will be happy for me. You will be proud, because I don't need someone in my life to be this happy. 

This was written because I feel like I've been getting a lot of questions about why I'm still single and honestly I don't see the harm in being single. I just feel like people don't understand where I'm coming from and I have to reassure my friends that I am okay and there is nothing wrong with me. You don't have to worry about me, I'm fine. I'm not lesbian, still into guys the last time I checked (I have had people asking if I'm lesbian...). This is for the curious people, the people who don't understand. I'm not saying anyone is ignorant. I'm just letting you all in on something I feel that is important to me. (And also I've been asked this so much it's getting kind of annoying.)

Qué será, será

Love, 

Jo X

march

Time is really flying by! It seems like it was just yesterday that school has started. Now, we're already at the halfway mark of the semester. This means our 217 and 225 professors are leaving and we're getting new professors for the second half of the semester. :( This also means midterms are coming/over. 294 is the worst because I never ever listen in class and it's all about the same stats thing that we learnt in poly, FOUR times. Yeah I learnt stats four times. And I'm still struggling to remember things that I've learnt.

School has been too much for my little brain to handle. I'm assuming there is something wrong with me because I am forever tired. No matter how much sleep I get, I am forever sleepy and nothing is ever enough. No amount of sleep can satisfy me. I go to school tired all the time. I'm sleeping on buses, sleeping once I get home, sleeping at night. How can one not be satisfied with the amount of sleep they get?

This week, I learnt that 407 was really important and instead of wasting time like we did in class last semester, we should have spent that time learning about things that will be important in my 408 lessons. Because of our 407 class and the person running the class, all of us went into 408 unprepared and whilst some of us are able to make it, others are left barely holding on to that cliff. Sure it was fun whilst we were watching movies in class and having parties and doing nothing at all when it was happening. I would definitely rather spend that time learning about things that will help my life, like grammar or other aspects of language that will be important. It does suck going into 408 with nothing learnt from 407 and struggling to stay afloat. For the first time in my life, I'm finding it really tough to make it in an English class. I'm definitely struggling and I hate this position I'm in. There are ways to get out of this and obviously I'm going to try or die trying. Sigh.

There's too much to say, and bitching about people is something I'm learning to control and stop. However, I've learnt to stop giving people chances because some people just don't deserve the kindness you provide. Learn to let go of friendships that are just not worth the trouble that it brings you. You learn to discover that some things are just not worth it and you'll be so much better without it.




You only run from someone when you're guilty.

given + up

I'm not going to lie to you, the past week was horrid. Last week saw me sleeping all day and forgoing my studies just because of a little bug. A little flu bug to be exact. It was the worst I've felt in a long time and I'd kill to not be in that position forever. It also showed me that moms give the best advice. They know EVERYTHING. Whilst I was down with the worse flu bug, I was constantly hearing mom talk about eno and how I have to drink it to feel better. Honestly I ignored it as per usual. Why would I want to drink something that didn't taste very good when there's a high chance I'll probably feel the same way after? I was so wrong. After half an hour I instantly felt better. It was like some kind of magic potion that nursed me back to health. Now remind me why I don't listen to mom enough. 

Today hasn't been a very good day for me. Won't go into details now but here's to a lesson learnt. 

Feeling really light headed, bloated, nauseous and a lot of discomfort now and I do hope they'd all go away after a long sleep. 

Do you remember this line people say all the time? About how you should always let things you love go and if you're meant to be with that thing/person you love, it'll come back to you? Today, it has dawned on me that something I wasn't ready to let go of was already long gone. Yes, it was once mine, but I've screwed up enough and I definitely don't deserve a second chance just because I will mess things up again. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say here is simply - why hold on to something so tightly when it's not there? 

I really do need to learn to control my temper and not flare up so easily. Anger management is definitely the solution to all problems. 

X

bug

Caught the flu bug over the weekends and wasted them sleeping instead of studying for quiz week next week. Every time I start to try and study I get distracted by tetris and also other irrelevant things. I swear my attention span is worse than a goldfish's. I just need to do well for 217 and statistics. These are the two killer mods (not really stats because it's a little similar to poly stats, don't know why i still have to take it then). 

Chinese new year is officially over, which means it's diet time! Time to lose all the chinese new year goodies of ma belllllyyyy. Need to start working out more but I keep procrastinating. Planning for study sessions should be carried out as well. Why am I so lazy?

I don't know how to feel when I see you. I don't want to hate you; I have no reason to. But what I feel and what I want to feel is two separate things all together. It's been so long, they should have all disappeared. 

X

Not normally shy but I still don't dare to add you or talk to you more in person...

school

School started on the third/fourth day of CNY, really couldn't remember which (not important). Met all the new classmates and professors and what not. Holy crap, the workload is so much crazier than last semester, even though I'm taking one less module.

407 last semester was so retarded and we didn't even learn much. 408 is so horrid now because i feel so lost. Others can apply what they were thought during 407 and everything but oh my this is so different for us (the few of us from the same 407 and 408). It's kind of stupid how we were SO slack the previous semester and now it's like karma coming back to bite our asses. Meh.

In case you don't already know, Syiq and I are doing this 365 grateful thing on our dayre accounts. It got a little out of point (?) because somehow it doesn't sound very grateful to me anymore but there are pictures there, check it out!

http://dayre.me/thewhimsicalbunny


xx

capsule

(Stopping the hk blog for awhile now, as you might have probably guessed due to the lack of post #2 that was promised awhile back.)

Five years ago, we were told to write things we would want to our friends and/or ourselves (mostly on small rolled up paper) and we placed them in a toy capsule (like those gashapon machines where you put a dollar in and a toy in a capsule comes out?). We were all supposed to place them in this huge cupboard thing in school and return five years later to find out what your friends wrote to you, or basically to see if you have achieved the goals you set for yourself five years ago. I remember clearly that I missed the date that we were given to pass our capsules to the teachers only to have them place it in the huge cupboard displayed outside the school hall. I was busy buying diamonte stickers from Daiso, cutting them into individual squares and sticking them one by one on the transparent part of the capsule. I wasn't done with Project Bling and therefore did not submit my capsule (probably also because I thought I was cool just not to give it up)

Five years went by in the blink of an eye and honestly, I completely forgot about the capsule. Whilst spring cleaning the room that day and a message from the secondary school group chat, I realised it had already been five years and it was time to open that little capsule and read the notes that were left by friends that once meant the world to me and find out if they were still as important to me as they were before. I found notes written to me by my really close friends from the past. Some of them are, thankfully, still in my life and I am forever grateful to them for sticking by me no matter what. A few, drifted apart as we stopped contacting each other. I remember almost every note had sentences like "thank you for being my best friend" or something around those lines. Most had phone numbers or emails for me to reach them now, as I read through the letters.

There were three other rolled up notes that were a little more familiar. I recognised my own handwriting and realised that I wrote these notes. One to myself, and two for the two boys that were once very important in my life. Don't really remember why their notes ended up with me instead of them, and I guessed I probably chickened out and didn't dare to give it to them as the due date drew closer.

I wished I wrote better things to myself in the note that was meant for Future Me. Upon reading it, I realised how pathetic my life was, five years back. Instead of telling myself to start working hard for my future and setting goals that I was sure I would achieve five years later, I wrote a very stupid line to myself. I wanted to remind myself how much I loved (?) this particular guy. I was furious with myself and how caught up I was with things that are not relevant. Firstly, obviously I would remember what happened and who I used to love (?) with all my heart, and I would need no reminder. Second, why did I let myself get so involved and wrapped around nonsense like boys and relationships get to me whilst I was going to take the biggest exam in four years of my secondary school life. (p/s: the (?) after the word love is because I doubt that was how I felt five years ago, it was probably a stupid crush or something)

In the letters I wrote to the two people who I thought meant the most to me, I basically just wished that they had a good life. In one, I apologised for everything that I did and basically just wanted to let that person know how much he meant to me and also other things that I'm not going to reveal here, just because. In the other, just nothing much but bits of memories from the past and good wishes for the future, with or without my presence. (basically nothing much, also don't know why I was so afraid to hand them the letters)

Thinking about my past made me realise what a bad person I was and I look back and regret every single decision I've made, wishing that I had thought things over carefully before making rash decisions that I know I would regret in the future. I was probably ignorant and just wanted to do what my brain told me to instead of looking into my heart for answers that I really wanted. Comparing my life five years ago, and now, nothing much has changed. I'm still that girl who doesn't think before she does anything. Regretting every decision I've made, even currently. Instead of calling it resolutions, because we all know resolutions are made in January and are probably long forgotten by March, I am going to set some goals for myself now.

1. Think more. Use your brain and your heart, don't pick one over the other. Listen to both and make a compromise between the two, something that you know you want, and something that will make you happy.

2. Never let boys rule your heart and brain.

3. Treasure those that have stuck by you throughout these years. People that are still friends with you after knowing you for nine years, people that you know you neglected in the past but still stuck by you and treat you as their best friend. Thank you, and I'm sorry I was such a bad friend, I will be better and treasure you even more.



I'd think I would remember these as points that should be most important to me and points that I should live by. I would really like to thank the people in the ALL chat group, pretty sure you all know who you are, for continuing to keep in contact with everyone. Even though we're all very busy with our lives, what with the guys serving the country and girls studying/working, thank you for all making time out of your busy lives to still plan and turn up for meet ups. These mean a lot to me and I'm sure we'd be friends forever. I will definitely prioritise you guys and plan more meet ups, exercise days, eating days, or just slack days just to catch up. No matter how busy I may be, you guys will be my priority. I'm sure all of you feel the same and I'm really happy we're still so close, if not closer, five years later. XXXXXX

hong + kong

We arrived in hk in the wee hours of the morning and it was horrible I swear. It was SO hard to try to get some sleep on the plane, because there was an uncle in the seat diagonally behind me and oh boy, he was SNORING like nobody's business. My father snores and it is NOWHERE near that deadly sound. (btw even my dad didn't snore on the plane and he snores EVERY NIGHT) Do you know that even with my earphones on and music at a really loud volume, you can still hear him snore and snore. Sigh. Enough about the snoring uncle, because scoot flights arrive at DEADLY hours, we arrived at like 5 plus/6 AM in the morning and I was so hungry because I didn't have dinner the night before as I overslept and my parents ate at the airport while I was catching up with my ac girls who came and sent me off. 

We took a bus to the streets near my hotel, because taking a bus is so much faster and more efficient than a cab, we arrived rather early, and the restaurant near our hotel wasn't open and that was where we have our breakfast once we touch down every trip. So, everyone was really sleepy and we decided to go take a nap before going for breakfast. My stomach was growling so badly while I was trying to sleep. (I did share a sandwich on the bus with the sister) I was so stoked and looking forward to breakfast also because of my favorite favorite dish ever in hk - macaroni soup with ham. Needless to guess, that was my first meal. 

dad's - set A??? 

(basically just what you see, toast, sausages, baked beans and weird vegetables that are like salad, without dressing)

my favorite - macaroni x ham, with a cup of iced ovaltine 

We then decided to head to causeway bay, which was my HEAVEN. They had Jack Wills there and it was the only Asian store so I had to visit it and of course, buy my share of items. We had a really hard time trying to find the store and I really wanted to give up so many times but my lovely father (even though he did throw his temper while helping me look for the store via google map because we were REALLY lost) finally found the store!!! I did go crazy in there and spent a little more than I should have. They also have Forever 21 (I found the prettiest midi ring there and the queue was too long and the sales assistant was a bitch to my mom so we left, we did return another day but it was already sold out. SIGH), hollister, and basically all the different kinds of shops - etude house, etc. 

We did visit lush and I bought my cupcake mask, a bath ballistic (bath bomb), and a santa baby lip tint. All because they were having discounts and it was dirt cheap. We went to pandora and I got my bible charm!! (Pandora is cheaper in hk, by a few dollars) I did also have my yakpak really full with shopping and I really cannot remember what else I bought there but holy crap, I spent like half of what I saved up for the trip in just one day (actually a few hours) (btw I am in no way trying to brag ok)

MTR sign - it's so pretty with the mosaic tiles

 me x cupcake mask (I look retarded, and yes I do know what the mask looks like...)

I really cannot remember what else we did but I do remember that we went to the mall connected to my hotel, I think it was called Langham place shopping center? They have something like Tangs, because they had like a beauty hall? With different brands all together in a place. The sister and I went a little crazy over at Benefit. I bought my lipsticks and the sister bought her brow kit and holy crap they were so nice they gave us so many free samples. When we revisited the Benefit store a few days later, the sales assistant was SO RUDE. 

Went back to the hotel and took a bath with my So white bath ballistic ;) (the bath water turns pink!!!!!! and it really does smell like apples ;))

I know my days are really not in order because I honestly cannot remember what we specifically did on each day because I have a reallllllyyyy horrible memory so please pardon me. I'll post more in the next few days!!!!!

Just found out today that school starts on the 23rd instead of the 27th. My holiday just got shortened by 4 days!!!!! It really is just another additional day for me because I don't have school on Fridays in the upcoming semester soooo... yay for me? ;)

XX

thanks + resolutions

Soooooooo. It's already 2014???????? Where did 2013 go? It just seemed like 2013 just flew by.

These are the things I'm thankful for in this year.

1. Uni - made the toughest decision of my life this year and decided to go to uni (it wasn't really tough la I like to exaggerate, a lot)

2. The people I've met in Uni - I think the best person I've met in uni has to be Kate, she's just a gem really, and I'm SO thankful for her and she is like really the best thing that has happened to me in uni. (Love you so much bb, thank you for everything you have done for me and for always giving me such great advice that is also Godly at the same time, no words can express how much you mean to me, love you xx) btw thank you bb for the prettiest christmas card EVER X

3. AC girls - even though I've left ac and most of them alr have too, but srsly the friends I've made there have been the best. even though we don't get to meet up so often compared to the past where we would work together almost every single day, when we do, it just seems like we never left each other, we'd always have endless amount of topics to talk about (can't wait to see you all tmr) rly, you guys know who you are and I love you 10eva (coz it's bigger than 4...)

4. Family - what else is there to say? they stick by you through thick and thin, regardless. X

5. My girls - you guys have been there for me since poly and yes we have our countless ups and downs and the down part this year (or I mean last, or 2013) was the worst part of my life and I missed you guys so much. super thankful for you lot, you guys mean the world to me NSAA XXXX

Okay, I don't really know what else I'm thankful for because at this point, I really can't think about anything else, soooo.. I wanted to talk about resolutions and honestly i don't give a shit about those because i cannot be bothered to actually do / complete them.

But I'm gna set like rly like complete-able resolutions and I will stick to them like i will try to okkkkkkkk.

1. try to go to the gym / exercise like once a week

2. get better grades

3. get a ipod classic

4. save enough for a year end trip alone (because travelling alone is fun bitch)  ok la or with friends ok

ok la ok no more bye bye

lemme give you a sneak peek for the next hk post ok

wong tai sin temple 

(btw there will be A LOT of fisheye pictures because i think its pretty and i just got it k) 

i love you all

Merry Christmas (so late) and Happy 2014 guys!

X